The Truth About Connection: Who Deserves Your Trust?

Although we crave connection, trusting others can led to pain. The misguided solution for many of us is to avoid any and all vulnerable situations. Instead let's learn to take healthy risks not reckless ones. Emotional pain is unavoidable but we can minimize the risks by trusting people who have shown they deserve a chance.

When deciding to trust someone do you ever find yourself thinking something like: "How do I KNOW if they deserve a chance, am I being TOO much, what if they see my weirdness and reject me?!?"- most worries can be settled by slowing down before diving into the deep end of vulnerabilities. Take the time to identify green flags and warning signs to decide if you want to trust someone. When we rush into sharing intimate details before we have a deeper bond with someone it is more likely to go sideways. This happens a lot when people are in the early stages of dating or we have instant chemistry so want to deepen the bond with a new friend.

Lots of people rush in- full steam ahead. This may sound familiar if your relationships tend to be a flash in the pan- then fizzle out. Many people want to compare their deepest traumas - let's see if we are compatible based on our scars. It can feel freeing to put it all out there and convince ourselves something like "It's better to put it all out there now and rip the band-aid off if they reject me". This approach leaves most folks jaded because you have a rotating door of people taking a peak at your inner workings. Without the context of a meaningful relationship these intimate details do not lead to deeper bonds- they lead to superficial ones. Take your time by asking about a persons values, outlooks on life and topics that interest you. Slowing things down helps make sure you are not speeding past red flags.

Green Flags

• They let you go at your own pace
• The relationship is balanced/ you both share
• You have had time to get to know them better
• They respect your boundaries, values and opinions
• They are empathetic
• They acknowledge mistakes/ misunderstandings
• They make attempts to repair after disagreements
• You have a good time together/ it is not forced
• They do not judge your lifestyle, race, sexual orientation and other important identities

Red Flags

• The relationship is not reciprocal: You give and they only take
• They overshare and get angry if you do not do the same: Go at your own pace
• They think you are 'broken': You are no one's project to "fix"
• The other person constantly talks about people behind their back: Be careful sharing info you want kept secret
• They try to control your habits, clothes, schedule etc: They may have ulterior motives
• They make you uncomfortable: Trust your gut
• They avoid accountability: Always blaming others shows a lack of responsibility
• They do not respect your feelings: They would not care if something bothers you
• They use your insecurities against you during arguments: Weaponizing intimate details can be abusive

Take time to check in with yourself about your own boundaries and how you want to connect with others. Our boundaries provide another framework to better decide who to trust. See my post here for an introductory to boundary setting.

The things in life that bring us the most joy are worth the risk. That includes finding the folks who we want to connect with in meaningful ways. Remember to be on the lookout for those green flags in the people you surround yourself with. The green flags here are a jumping off point, use this info as a start to making your own list.

Let me know future mental health topics you'd be interested in reading about- thank you!