How to Set Boundaries for a Better Life
It is not always easy to stand up for ourselves but it is essential for a happy life. One of my favorite ways to voice myself is by being clear on what I will not put up with. Jobs in toxic workplaces and manipulative relationships were lessons for me to start asserting myself more. I like to think of boundaries as the line between our yes and no. Boundaries help us to know our limits- where our responsibility ends, what we are willing to tolerate or how comfortable we are with a situation. Not communicating our boundaries (or when they've been crossed) usually leads to us having regret, frustration and resentment. Think about the times you said yes when you really wanted to say no, the times you agreed to help a friend even though it was beyond your capacity or when someone overshared and you didn't know how to tell them to stop. Getting better at setting boundaries helps us take control of our life.
But Where Do We Start?
When I talk to clients about setting boundaries they are usually worried about what others will think. Setting boundaries can be tricky and the fear of being judged is understandable. But the truth is that we all have different capacities and if we do not tell people what our boundaries are- we will be put in situations we are not comfortable with. We might feel guilty for not being able to help, feel awkward speaking up or not know how to word what we want to say without sounding too harsh. These temporary discomforts are worth the peace that comes from staying within our boundary comfort zone.
Pay Attention to Your Emotions
Figuring out our boundaries starts with self-reflection; when we know ourselves it is much easier to communicate our expectations, needs and desires to those around us. Practice naming what you are feeling, use your emotions as your guide. Let's say a friend kept you waiting over an hour and you're annoyed. You value your time so you're upset that your friend wasted your time. By tuning into how situations make us feel we can draw the boundary lines between what does and does not work for us. But if we ignore our emotions we are missing a chance to show up for ourselves.
Be Direct
Once you have realized what you are feeling and what your boundaries are- speak up! Boundaries are not the time for beating around the bush. Be clear and directly communicate- this can help avoid a lot of misunderstandings. I find that simple short sentences are best when informing someone of our boundary or that they have crossed a line. Examples include "No thank you", "I am not able to help", "I don't talk about my personal life at work" or "I told you no, please stop asking" . If we feel guilty when setting a boundary we might feel compelled to tell someone WHY we have a boundary. That explanation opens up the dynamic where the other person thinks they can persuade us or negotiate. You do not have to over explain yourself because often your reasons are not anyone else's business. While some boundaries are flexible- if you do not want to further discuss the matter, keep it simple.
Take ACTION!
Aside from communicating our boundaries we must also take action to enforce them. It is not enough to just tell folks what we expect, because you already KNOW those limits (like your patience) will get tested. You have to figure out what consequences will be when someone gets out of line and follow through with it. Action has to be paired with your boundary or else it will not be respected. If we ignore when someone crosses our boundary it sends the message that they do not have to take us serious. Action depends on the severity of the violation but can be removing yourself from the situation, ending the relationship or reminding the person of your boundary plus the consequence, such as "I already asked you not to come over unannounced, if it happens again I wont let you in". The key is that your actions have to align with your boundaries to be effective- in other words don't just talk the talk, walk the walk.
Battle your Inner Doubts
Since boundary setting can cause guilt or worries, it is important for us to squash the doubts that might come up. I like coming up with mantras for WHY I have a boundary. An affirmation around boundaries may be "My boundaries maintain my peace" or "I deserve to have my boundaries respected". These statements can remind us what is at stake and help us to quiet the discomfort from standing up for ourselves.
Envision How your Life Will Improve
Similar to reminding ourselves with a mantra, envisioning our future can help us stay strong while enforcing our boundaries. Picture how your life will be better when you keep others at the healthy distance your boundaries provide. How will you be able to show up for yourself then? Will you be more rested because you have spent less energy on things that drain you? Maybe you will feel more confident because you know you did what felt right for yourself. Envisioning our future can also be an exercise to decide which boundaries we need to start working on. Reverse engineer your boundaries by identifying what you want in the future and trace it back to how you can create that life now.