Saying you're OK when you're not? Stop frontin'
By saying that you're 'ok' when you really aren't, you rob yourself of the support those around you could provide.
Sometimes saying "I'm ok" is simply because we do not trust the person asking (obviously you do not want to tell the cashier all your business). But there are many other reasons why we choose not to tell people what is really going on.
Reasons why we do it:
- Thinking that people do not care: We convince ourselves that others are on auto-pilot and do not genuinely care about how we are really feeling. In reality they may be reaching out to you and trying to show they noticed something was bothering you. But even if the other person is on auto-pilot or only asking out of courtesy- that does not mean you cannot express yourself. Trust that even if they are not the person who can ease your discomfort, admitting what your heart is holding is a crucial step towards healing.
- Fake it till you make it gone wrong: There are instances where we can shift our mood by changing our thoughts or focusing on the positive. But if this is not working for you it can feel more like lying to yourself instead of being a helpful way of coping.
- Cannot admit it to yourself: Even if we are running ourselves ragged, we may hold on to the idea that "everything's fine", partly because if we say it aloud it becomes more real. This tendency is also fed by the belief that if we ignore something it may go away.
- Fear of Judgement: We do not want to seem too dramatic, helpless or any other trait we think is going to look bad to others. We put on a smile and minimize our reality because we worry that someone else may think less of us.
- Not wanting to accept the support of others- Sometimes we get into the habit of wanting to be independent 100% of the time. This is unrealistic and sets us up for failure. Ask yourself why you do not want the help of others- Were you raised to think seeking help was weakness? Are you not comfortable because then you might 'owe' them something?
- Not wanting to complain because you think other's have it worse: Not all problems are created equal- and that's something that actually is OK. The fact that more serious problems exist does not change your situation. It may put your life in perspective if there was some strange "Who has it worse" contest- but there is no such thing.
When you answer "How are you" be as detailed or minimal as you want. If it is a close friend you may decide to give more information but you can keep it simple in other situations.
When you are ready- here are some ways to respond differently:
- This is what has been going on for me ___(insert story here)___.
- I have been feeling kinda sad lately, but I am not ready to talk about it.
- I am trying to stop saying "I'm ok", right now I'm actually _________.
- (Take a pause before you answer) I am ____________.
- I am grateful/ struggling/ tired/ sad etc.
Speaking up when you are not used to it can be challenging so give yourself time to adjust; be kind if you fall back into the old habit. If you do not feel safe expressing yourself to the people around you, cast a wider net. Whether it is a family member, friend, coworker, therapist, pastor, life coach, neighbor or virtual acquaintance- reach out. Next time someone asks how you're doing, take a moment to reflect instead of putting an emotional mask on.