Has the communication in your relationship broken down?

For Valentines day I wanted to get away from the romantic side of love. The reality is that relationships need more than love to survive. Many issues will continue to grow and end relationships unless there is clear communication.

No two people are going to agree about everything, so it is common for communication problems to start from disagreements. If we do not know how to get our point across we may end up repeating the same arguments without solving very much. To most couples some of these sound familiar: bringing up the distant past, bickering over who was 'right', feeling like your partner is talking down to you, sarcastic/ rude comments or the silent treatment.

Below are 4 common communication issues and how to repair them within your relationship. These are commonly called the '4 horsemen' from Dr. John Gottman's (2008) renowned work with couples.

1. Contempt: This refers to disrespect within the relationship and includes communicating your superiority to your partner. This can include snide comments, a sarcastic tone, mocking the interests of your partner or rolling eyes. Tone of voice makes a difference because it is often our tone that is rude or hurtful to our partner. To reduce this issue couples can cultivate appreciation within their relationship. Ask one another how you would like to be appreciated and make a point to act on it. Focus on what your partner is doing right and express your gratitude.
2. Criticism: Most people do not want their partner implying (or outright saying) that there is something wrong with them. By saying things like "You always/ never" an issue is made into a personal attack about your partner's character. To avoid this, start conversations gently about an issue you want to discuss and speak from your perspective. For example "When we argued last night, I felt unheard. I want to find a way for us to talk without yelling."
3. Defensiveness: When conversations get heated it can easily turn into one partner feeling attacked- this results in them going on the defensive. This looks like a partner responding with a counter attack/ complaint instead of listening. When someone is being defensive there is no space for them to take ownership in the situation so the argument escalates. To combat this take the time to hear your partner out. Take responsibility for your part in the exchange and collaborate to figure out how to resolve the issue. Notice the difference between these 2 statements "I yelled because you wouldn't stop talking" and "I can understand why my yelling made you angry". Even if there is further conversation that needs to happen- taking responsibility lays the groundwork for mutual respect.
4. Silent Treatment: Stonewalling or the silent treatment is when one partner refuses to engage any further and SHUTS DOWN. This can look like fuming and leaving the room, turning your back to your partner or going silent. Once one person withdraws it can be very frustrating. If you feel you are unable to continue talking the next step is letting your partner know. Both of you need to agree to take a break and set a time to finish the conversation later. It is okay to get emotionally overwhelmed with the conversation and need a breather. But it is not fair to take that break without making an effort to let the other person know.

Of course other relationship problems around lack of trust, infidelity and lying can hurt relationships too. These topics and how to repair them will be covered in a later posts. Relationships are more than "I love you", make sure you and your partner are on the same page about how to show appreciation, resolve conflict and speak to each other with mutual respect.

*If you feel as though there is a communication break down or problems within your relationship that you need more support in resolving, seek professional help.

Resources:

1. https://www.liveabout.com/find-a-good-marriage-counselor-2303814

2. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Sources: Gottman, J. M. (2008). Gottman method couple therapy. Clinical handbook of couple therapy, 4(8), 138-164.