Can You Love Yourself When You’re Busy Being Self-Critical?
Self love is the antidote to perfectionism. One of the benefits of our minds not being able to multitask is there is not enough space for us to love ourselves and be overly critical at the same time. Whether it is unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves or an inner critic that will not stop nagging us the result is the same- our self esteem takes a hit. Controlling our thoughts can be like herding cats so do not worry if you find it hard to stop these pesky negative thoughts. It takes a lot of practice to balance out the critical thoughts with more realistic self love and compassionate thoughts instead. Below are 6 tips on how to stop being so hard on yourself.
But HOW?
Strive for balance in life: This is in all areas but I love to stick to the basics- sleep, nutrition/ hydration and physical activity. When we take care of our needs that gives us a healthy baseline and takes the edge off of stresses. Imagine being hangry and trying to deal with a big work deadline vs having slept well, eaten a good breakfast and feeling calm in the same scenario. It can be hard to juggle all these aspects of our health constantly but whatever small tweaks you can make will lead to a difference.
Optimism goes a long way: Realistic positive thinking- not toxic positivity- is the way to go. I view this as an “it is what it is“ mentality. We accept what is and figure out how to move forward with what we have. This can also include not taking things so personally. If you feel slighted take a step back and remind yourself that it may be the other persons problems, not a reflection of you. If you have boundaries around how they treated you enforce them and let it go.
Feel your emotions: I admit it sounds super cheesy- but the fact remains that when we ignore our emotions and push them aside they linger longer, keeping us stuck. Processing emotions can include journaling, finding a release (like crying, laughing or keeping our hands busy) or going to therapy. Sometimes we need to feel our emotions in different ways, try out dancing, belting out your favorite lyrics or doing a meditation to release the emotions.
Acceptance your humanness: We are all flawed. By being hard on ourselves we deny this reality. It is like hating ourselves for having skin or needing to sleep. We all make mistakes, a healthy mindset is to forgive our mistakes and if possible, learn from them. When we have the expectation of perfection we set ourselves up for that inevitable let down. You can still have high standards- just keep it from tricking you into thinking you have to be superhuman.
Speak kindness to yourself: Growing up my mom would say “little pictures have big ears“ when she wanted someone to be mindful that children were within earshot. We should be practicing this same attention to how we speak about ourselves. We absorb and believe the not so kind things we say to ourselves. I love to write messages to myself with reminders like “I can handle it“, “Take a breath and try again“ or “You’ve got this!“. Self love doesn’t have to start with loving EVERYTHING about yourself. A small step can be acknowledging the things you think are helpful or that your loved ones like.
Start a gratitude practice: Mindfulness practices have been in the limelight but many people have not yet learned to shift that gratitude into self-gratitude as well. When we acknowledge what we are grateful for about ourselves it plants those seeds of self-love. An example may be you are grateful for your determination, growth in setting boundaries or sense of humor.
Remember that our mind cannot actively do 2 things at once. So when you feel yourself slipping into those same self-critical patterns, switch it up to one of the above tips- even if you have to verbally say “STOP THAT“. You deserve the gentleness of self-love, the world is hard enough.
