Have you been avoiding change?
"You can only lose what you cling to" - Buddha
Holding on too tightly to the things that aren't working for us anymore can feel worse than the actual goodbye. Whether it is losing a friendship, changing into a new version of yourself or moving to a new city, you may find yourself avoiding. Goodbyes are a tough part of this process- mainly because many of us have not learned how to end things or we may have managed to avoid goodbyes altogether. Without practice we miss chances to get comfortable with the process of change.
When we are faced with new terrain our natural instinct may be to holdfast to familiarity, staying with what we know. The risk is we often cling to what we have outgrown. Fear of the unknown/ fear of failure can keep us complacent. I'm sure you know what this looks like- spinning our wheels frantically trying to grasp at versions of an old self that's not there anymore. Continually reaching out to that friend who has shown they are not trustworthy. Staying in a dead end job because it's the "devil you know". Those kinds of familiarity can give us an illusion of stability in our lives. So even when things are not going the way we want them to that comfort keeps us around awhile longer.
Whenever someone tells me "I don't like change" it makes me curious about what is lurking underneath that they're really avoiding- confusion, mistakes, starting over. Change requires us to let go so when we resist that we're likely to feel powerless or stuck. We feel stuck because we are digging in our heels even when the things around us are shifting and knocking us off course. A way to shake free of those feelings is to plan our next steps. Planning helps us to avoid directionless change. We do not want change for the sake of action but rather we want movement that progresses us forward.
Aside from planning, when you feel yourself pushing back against change- check in with your emotions. Ask questions such as: What worries me about this change? What lessons am I taking forward with me? What other ways can I feel grounded? What do I need to feel more confident in this change?
When we give the emotion a chance to run it's course we are honoring that part of ourselves. Listening to the part that wants to stay put can clear things up. We may realize that it is an emotion that was not obvious at first. When we track down what's really going on it releases the pressure built up by those unspoken "what ifs" in our mind. By acknowledging these worries for what they are- we can limit their impact.
Do you see a theme here? We avoid the change, then we avoid the feelings it is causing- all of this avoidance reinforces the idea that we cannot handle whatever shift is coming our way. Being prepared and getting the support we need helps us to build confidence in our abilities to handle the unknown. Get support from a trusted mentor, friend or therapist to reduce the antsy feelings. It can also be helpful to make a list of ways to feel comfort during the change. Some of my favorites are : listening to familiar music, writing down all the thoughts cluttering your mind, picking one fun activity as a distraction and spending time in nature.
When we leave our comfort zone for the challenges of something new we may be surprised by what new paths open up for us.